2 posts tagged “family”

my release.
Current mood: tested

Disclaimer:  this is a REALLLLLLY long blog. And it is written mainly for me and my release. It's irrelevant that you read it or not.  But I'd appreciate it nevertheless! 

I know hardly anyone visits my blog and I like it that way. b/c I'm not trying to get attention or be a pity case or any of that. I just need an outlet to get it out of me. And this will be it for the night.

So we all know I'm finished w/ my first year yippie and balloons and all of that jazz. So far I'm pulling 3 c pluses and 2 b's and still waiting on my torts grade.  I may be pulling average due to the normalization curving of law school grades. But I'm mad grateful for the b I pulled in property 2 and to those who I actually told this too. I made a D in property 1 in the fall.  My prof wrote how was I going to pass the bar exam basically on my final. So yeah pretty depressing. Anyway enough of that.  Before spring break and up to school getting finished I had tried sending off cover letters/resume packets to firms etc getting rejection letters or no responses from most and I pretty much dropped out of the race once the summer began.

So now I'm working (as of last week) at this place called jimmy johns it's a sandwich place slightly more expensive than subway. And its extremely more part time than expected. I'm only scheduled 3 day weeks at about 3 hours at a time.   I'm applying to be pizza hut delivery person and I hope it works out and the lady calls me back after stalking her for about a week or two lol (b/c she is never there). I think I've decided to get back into the law firm clerk game again for a possible part time position this summer. I dunno I know being a rising 2^nd yr student w/ average grades I should expect lots of rejection but I just don't feel like dealing w/ it. at the same time I know I can do better than what I'm doing now. When I need to be getting legal experience of some form this summer even if its just a few hours week. So I have something legal substantial on my resume when the real rat race begins. If I can ever get in contact w/ my public interest lawyer for rural education trust org I can start doing legal research for her. So that's a start.

And to top it all off you know I just moved to another part of Columbia closer to downtown/school the Wednesday after mothers day Sunday.    For the first time ever I'm living alone now.  No regrets so far.  I'll try it out for a year and see how I like it.   So now I'm not looking forward to the first of the month b/c rent and bills are coming that are going to pretty much wipe me out.  I don't have family or momma or daddy to depend on.  I envy those who can have a safety net of getting a few hundred here or there this summer I don't have that. Never did. I'm this close very very close to applying for food stamps. b/c I'm subconsciously not hardly eating out and not buying groceries b/c i know of all the bills I have to pay this summer starting 2morrow.  Once august rolls around things will be okay b/c I have law school fin aid loans to support me during the school year. But now I dunno.  And the other week my wisdom tooth started bothering and after the consultation the doc said it will cost 1300 bucks to remove all four of them. My parents don't have med insurance couldn't afford to they just have medcare/limited Medicaid for the most part and certainly don't have them to go to be *covered* my student insurance I got thru the school is only a discounted thingy which means I would have to pay in full and get a refund at a later point.  But I had to make a decision spend 1300 on surgery or not being able to pay my bills and utilities in june. I'm grateful that its been at a level that is tolerable and not like it was the other week but inevitable I know the time will come where it will not be.

i've been bummed that my friends can go on these little trips and vacations and i cant do none of that this summer or it doesnt look like i will be able to in the near future. i may not even go on the church trip (even tho travel, hotel, park is paid for) but who knows.

I sometimes feel like I'm being punished for staying in Columbia versus going to Dillon for the summer. Don't get me wrong I DON'T regret NOT being in Dillon this summer. Its a CHOICE I had to make FOR ME. Not for my parents not for the church back at home.  Many back at home may not like my choice and may not respect it. But its high time for someone to break the tradition of young person being trapped in Dillon, home, church all their lives till they get married. If I make mistakes along the way or have to struggle its okay b/c I finally able to do me for once. I don't care if someone from home reads this b/c they know it is true. They know young people are expected to be Dillon, home, church and even in college to come home every weekend.  My folks can still love and support me if I'm not up in the pee dee all summer.  And that reverse psychological jazz about me not loving them or loving less b/c I don't come home like I used to is complete bs. I still love them and surprise! Surprise! I actually do miss them esp in hard times like these.

i dont ask for anyones pity. just prayer and encouragement that i will keep my head up and keep hope alive.