Damonai’s Neighborhood

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D Rox
Jul 30, 2009
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Eating peanut butter from a spoon... (mmm)

For My First Son

Peradize
Jul 29, 2009
6 comments

I've been transcribing my first journal and decided to share these:

I was a child that believed, the woman I was, loved a young man, because he put a song in my heart. But then he put a tear in my eye when he said, I don’t believe the child is mine.

Because I loved you

A chance to live
I needed to give
You, in a better world
Your growth unfurled
Unrestricted
I predicted
You to survive
You need to know
My love for you
Is still alive
And continues to grow
As you do, into a man
Your father will show
You things I never can
If you ever decide
You need to see
Here I’ll be
Always the same name
Something that will
Never change
You need to know
That it was NOT
Because I did not, BUT
Because I DID, love you
I gave you a chance
Instead of the romance
That young people believe
Will carry them through
A chance to succeed
In a family and not
Struggle in poverty
So for you to be happy
It fell to me
You needed
A true family
In that moment,
I had to decide
Which life held
The most benefit
In my distress
My only thought
Your happiness
We contacted Father Clements
From there, son
He found the solution
A family he knew
To raise you
When I gave
You to your father
The tear that was in
My eye
Forever
I hold in my heart
I knew I was
Giving you
The very best
I could, all because
I loved you

Can't sleep, may as well write. So much has happened since I last posted. I ended a very long-term relationship, I began a new journey with a new love. I'm healing, I'm growing. I feel great and I'm exhausted, both physically and emotionally. But its a great feeling...annnnddd....

I moved!

I was in a very unhappy relationship for the better part of my life, really, I'm 42 with a birthday coming soon, and I met him when I was 20. The years I should have been in college, learning to live, I was raising a family with him.

Honestly, I'm not sure how I made it as long as I did without somebody getting critically hurt. I've rehashed the details of the who, what, when and why of how he hurt me for the better part of the last 3 weeks and I think I've finally made peace with what has happened.

I've shared with him what he has done to hurt me so badly, what led to me leave him. How every thing that was done, built up and caused me to close my heart to him nearly 5 years ago.

How I have never been as hurt and emotionally destroyed as I was with him and I will never be again.

That chapter in my life has closed.

I learned that had I been stronger and stood up for what I wanted, things would have never degraded to the point where they did. We both have had to take responsibility for the condition of our relationship. He and I. I gave him 2 chances to get it right, he didn't get it. Now that he acts like he does, frankly, my dear, I truly don't give a damn.

This whole ordeal has been a bit harder than I thought it would be, not because I want to be with him, but because being with him was all I knew.

I've never been on my own, never paid my own way, at least not by myself. I went from being at home to living with friends in CA, then back at home to living in a dorm at JSU then back at home. Next came him and kids, living at home with mom and g'mom then living with him for the past 14 years.

I never learned how to budget money, I never learned how to live alone. I never learned to be myself. I never learned to be an adult.

Now I am. Its exciting, its terrifying, its real. Goshdarnit....I have my own!

I have opened another chapter in my life. I'm stronger, I'm better and I have love in my life...but that's another post. *wink*

More to come, there's a lot more to share....

...i'm peaceful...